When a woman becomes a mother

Every woman who becomes a mother goes through a quiet loss of identity, and with it comes an inner struggle where she questions herself. Those first few months after giving birth are hard to navigate. And then, just as you begin to find your feet, the struggle of raising a child while stepping back out to work takes over.

I have a lovely two-and-a-half-year-old boy. Before he was born, I never truly understood the term "mom guilt." But let me tell you, mom guilt is real, and it hits you hard. There were days when even sleeping an extra hour or taking a long shower felt like too much to ask for. Then came the time to think about going back to work.

I consider myself blessed that I had the choice to stay at home with my baby. But the self-doubt kept creeping in.

The first morning away

Finally, I decided it was time to go back. I believe every mother who has left her baby at home to return to work remembers that first morning away. She may not remember the meetings she walked into or what she did that day, but she remembers walking out of the door and leaving her child behind.

I still remember mine. I kept delaying it for as long as I could. I had planned my outfit and ordered a new journal & bottle for myself, but when the moment came, the guilt arrived in big waves. I remember sitting in the car, shedding a tear or two. I wasn't prepared for this. Nobody had told me it would be this hard. Even enjoying a conversation or my work felt wrong. I kept checking my phone every ten minutes, watching the CCTV camera, and calling my help to ask whether he had eaten and whether he was okay after I left.

The battle within

Mother's guilt and parenting go hand in hand. It travels with you and shows up in everything you do. It never asks whether you have done anything wrong. It simply assumes. It is so hard to explain to the people around you. And I don't understand why women have to be supermoms. Why are we expected to handle everything?

I fight an internal battle every day. If I leave my baby and go to work, I feel like I'm not a good mother. And if I stay home with him, I wonder what I am doing with my life.

"Muma is leaving"

The moment he sees me getting ready and picking up my bag, he knows Muma is leaving for work, and then the whole drama begins. Some days I send him to another room and slip out quickly before he notices. On other days, he sees me go and understands that Muma is leaving.

Gradually, I think he is learning that leaving isn't the same as letting go, and that Muma will always come back. The best part of my day is walking back through that door. That hug is simply the best, and he lets me know just how much he has missed me. He doesn't count the hours I was away. He only notices that Muma is back. And that is enough for him.

Leaving isn't the same as letting go.

Enough for him, and for me

But is it enough for me? Some days I still stand at the door with my bag in one hand and my heart somewhere else. The guilt hasn't gone away, and maybe it never fully will. Every mother carries that quiet tug of war inside her, between the woman she was before, and the mother she has become. Nobody sees it. We smile in meetings, we answer emails, we say "he's doing great", and inside we are counting the hours till we get home.

But slowly, I have started to understand that this guilt is not a sign that I am failing him. It is a sign of how deeply I love him. A mother who didn't care would never feel this torn.

To the mother standing at the door

To every mother who has sat in the car with tears in her eyes, who has checked the camera one more time, who has wondered if she is doing enough, you are not alone. You don't have to be a supermom. You are allowed to love your child with your whole heart and still want something for yourself. Finding yourself again doesn't take anything away from your child. It gives him a mother who is whole.

One day, my son will understand why Muma left every morning. I hope he doesn't remember the hours I was away. I hope he remembers that I always came back, and that I always held him a little tighter when I did.

So to the mother standing at the door today, with her heart breaking just a little... pick up your bag. Your baby will be waiting for you. And that hug at the end of the day will be worth every single tear.